WTF?!?! What are you thinking?

I actually started to write a different post, but about half-way through that one I realized I can’t publish that just yet. The world is not yet ready to know those details, so for now, that post is safely tucked away and I will instead write this one…

Everyone that hears that I am looking into moving out of California first responds with a giant question, WHY? It seems like such a simple question, but the answer is far from simple so I am going to attempt to explain it here and see how that works out for me.

I had my children when I was still very young, and I took (and still take) the responsibility that I signed on for by having kids very seriously. I am not your “typical” divorced father, my kids all live with me, except for my oldest daughter who is off on her own and has already started her own family making me a grandfather at a very early age, but I knew that was a possibility when I was so young and starting a family. As such, the last SEVERAL years of my life have been about making sure they all had the necessities of life. I wouldn’t ever complain about the route my life has taken, or the decisions I have made, they have all shaped me into the person I am, and without sounding to egotistical, I’d have to say overall I’ve become quite a good guy to know and be around.

This hasn’t come without cost however. I have had dreams I would have like to pursue, and things I would have liked to try to change, but couldn’t for fear of not being able to provide for my kids. While those fears are still there, I’ve decided it’s time for me to spend a little bit of time trying to make ME happy again. It’s been years since I could say I’ve woken up every day, just content with the world and what was going on around me. I had my happy times, and have built some great memories that I will cherish forever, but my life has been on a bit of an auto-pilot for awhile now and is not going to change without my taking some chances and making change happen.

I almost regret making a comment about this maybe being my “mid-life crisis”, it was done jokingly, and while I guess it does fit the description of a mid-life crisis I don’t really consider it to be because I don’t think of my life as in crisis. It’s more of a mid-life catalyst that I am encountering and want to take advantage of it while the opportunity is there. Maybe opportunity isn’t the right word, but the urge, and necessity of making a change is very great, kind of a “strike while the irons hot” kind of feeling.

Some consider me crazy (I’m not that far from declaring that to be a truth myself), I have a great job, with a great company that will and has been so accommodating with my life. I’ve truly been blessed to have worked for such a great “family” oriented company for so many years. I was never once questioned about taking time off because I wanted to chaperone a field trip, or attend an award assembly, or just had a sick child at home I needed to take care of. Heck, for that matter, I’ve never really had ANY requested time off questioned. If I were to stay around this area, and continue to work for this company, I would feel honored should it be the company that I retire from as I get on in years.

I also have some great family around, one brother right here in town, one just an hour away, my father is just a little bit longer drive than an hour, and lots and lots and lots of great friends who I know support me whatever decisions I might make (even though they may not understand or like my decision). It becomes very tough to make these decisions, but sometimes you just have to jump and have faith that you are going to land on solid ground.

I don’t know how this decision might turn out, but then I also don’t know what might happen if I DIDN’T make this decision right now. And I won’t know that until life continues to change and I can look back on it years from now. Like I said earlier, while I have felt a little constrained with what a “reliable” parent would do, I wouldn’t change a MOMENT of my life. All I can do is try to make my future as bright as possible, which in turn, will help to make my children’s futures brighter. It’s a bold and daring change, but I remember my parents moving across an entire country when I was little. They were taking all their children far from any friends or family and hoping it would turn out all right. I feel lucky that I am going just a single state away, and I have family (my mom will now be about an hour from me, it’s been LOT’S of years since I lived close enough to my mom to see her regularly). The kids will still be near their cousins (different cousins but still cousins), and I already have friends there. I’m beginning to think I might have a best friend out there and that makes it a lot easier to take a plunge like this.

This post has already gone on far longer than I thought it would. I have so much more to say, but as I said, there are some things that I think I need to just keep to myself (and those directly affected by them) for the time being. I’ll continue to write more, but I hope this helps my friends and family to understand why I feel the need to make this attempt at change. I don’t want to end up being one of those people who looks back on their life and spots all those times they wished they had taken a chance on something. I see something I feel is well worth the risk, and for once in my life am going to stand up and go after something I want to try to make me happier. It might sound selfish, but if you take a step back and look at the “big picture” (I do a lot of “phrase of the day” comments I’m noticing – not to mention my (asides)). Anyway, looking at the big-picture one realizes that if I take a chance to find the happiness in my life that has been lacking for so long, everyone around me will benefit from it.

OK, I’ll stop now and let some of that sink in. I am open and willing to listen to whatever anyone has to say about this or any other matter in my life. I won’t say it will change my mind, but I promise to truly listen to whatever input you might want to give and let it have it’s moment in my thoughts.

Thanks everyone!  I love you all and couldn’t even THINK of doing something like this without knowing that ultimately you all support whatever decision I might make.

Gerg