Unsure…

Well, it’s been nearly 10 months since my last post here, so much for “blogging more regularly” unless I make my next post in 10 months, I’ve pretty much blown that hope. In that 10 months I’ve gone from single, to “in a relationship” (Facebooks words not mine), to single again. And now dating… Oh yes, dating. That oh-so-wonderful-I-could-just-kick-my-teeth-in feeling. Not that I don’t find it exciting to meet new people and find out if that spark is there, but for one reason or another I just find myself becoming more and more reserved as time passes.

I have met someone who by all rights should have me completely ecstatic to see, and I am, but not in the way I used to be all those years ago. I’m not sure if it is because I’ve finally put some guards up and don’t just jump head first into it, or if there is something else. In the past, I would be making every effort to spend every moment I could with a woman I was dating and starting to become exclusive with. But not only this time around, but last time as well, I found myself trying to hang out on the fence and keep my distance a bit. Last time her enthusiasm and confidence that we had something pretty special got me looking at her and I from a different perspective and I realized she was right. We were like oil and water, but that (at least in my mind) can be a perfect mix. I am way to lenient on my kids, she was too strict, we were yin to yang and the more I looked at it the more I realized while making oil and water mix was going to be a difficult task, the end result would be something most people only dream of. It would be a tough road, but the trip would just add to the enjoyment of our golden years. Alas, it was not to be, the blending of such different substances grew to be too much and things fell apart.

So I found myself single again, just as I was making another STRONG push to get my business going. For awhile I thought I might have to once again put my dreams on the back burner while I figured out how to provide a roof and food and all those other things my kids need from me. I thank God daily for my friends Jim and Vanessa that have allowed me to stay with them (virtually for free, though I try to help out where I can). They have been awesome at being there all for all those late evenings while I am out doing what it is a new business owner needs to do and making sure people start to realize I am not going anywhere, and I should be their go-to computer guy. It’s starting to pay off, and it isn’t always easy on them (not sure why since my boys are such perfect angels… OK, couldn’t even type that without bursting into laughter). Anyway, the business is going good, I’m doing all the “right” things to put myself out there, getting involved in different endeavors, and meeting all sorts of new people because of it.

That is how I met this newest lady, there was an attraction (at least for me) at first, but I was still hesitant. She was actually a bit more persistent and was the one initiating the calls and conversations. My schedule between starting the business, a couple trips I had planned, my daughters wedding, and just life in general has kept our ability to spend a lot of time together at a minimum, but we tend to be able to get weekends together. My only question now is WHY can’t I seem to invest myself fully? I honestly don’t know if I am just being gun shy or if it is something else.

Dating… have I mentioned I hate it? I’m much better as a WE than a ME. I’ve known that since I was much younger, I thrive when I have someone else (besides my kids, they always are an inspiration for me and make me want to do things that will make them proud) but having that someone by my side, riding through the ups and the downs, there to hold me up when I need it, and for me to hold them up when they need it. So the dating thing is always tough because I am always wondering if she might fit that bill, and then I tend to be overzealous when it comes to spending time with them and I try to monopolize every single moment. Like I said these last 2 times I am finding myself not doing that and I don’t know why. Both ladies I should have been head over heals from the moment we started down a path together, but I kept myself (am keeping myself) at a slightly reserved distance. I really hope I figure it out soon. I couldn’t imagine knowing that I either lose a possible great relationship because I am too hesitant and reserved, or I hurt someone while I try to figure out things for myself.

Stupid dating.

Gerg