My anger and pain abounds…

I’ve just returned home from one of the hardest weekends of my life. I’ve written several lines here and end up scrolling back, thinking those aren’t the right words, but I’m not sure in this situation there ARE right words. All I can say is I hope to never have to help another of my friends bury one of their children. I’ll of course be right by their side, but no one should have to go through that ordeal. I was glad I could be there for Jim, Vanessa, and the boys, even though I was far from a rock for them to lean on throughout the weekend, I sit here weeping still at their tremendous loss.

The logical part of my brain tells me that they need to be alone to learn how to work through their loss, but the rest of me screams knowing I won’t be able to get right over there for when they need someone at their side. Whether it be to yell at me and release some anger, cry with me to release some pain, or laugh with me to relive the good times. I found myself on the trip home getting angry at the stupidest of things. Yelling at drivers on the road, getting snippy inside the vehicle, it seemed everything just set me off in one way or another. I did my best to occupy myself with random things so my mind wouldn’t wander to the fact that I’ll never again be challenged by Robert to some Star Wars trivia (he was on of the few who usually slapped me around like I had never seen the movies when it came to the trivia), or laugh at his antics as we all sit around having fun, and worst of all, my kids won’t be able to hang out with him, each of them helping the other as they progress down their own paths.

It’s now almost 3AM, and I sat down in front of the computer, going back to check Robert’s Memorial Site (robertearlweaver.com) and Facebook page, and from there I wandered across to Rachel’s Facebook page. Two young lives, they both touched so many other lives in their short time and their memories will live forever in so many people. Either one of them could walk into any room, and within moments, even the grumpiest of people couldn’t keep themselves from smiling. The emotional swing of recalling some little quirk or trait they had, or recalling some memory I hold of them bringing a smile to my face, then reality smacking me back to the fact I won’t be able to add any new memories to those pools adding tears to the smile. My heart breaks for their families and other loved ones, I know I am far from the only one that is having so much difficulty accepting the reality of all this. Both of them were much shorter lives than they should have been, but in their brief stay with us they were both able to touch far more people’s hearts than some who live four times longer.

Robert Earl Weaver and Rachel Culp, I know you are both hanging out again and sharing your own laughs. The one comfort I can take is knowing that at least you two are together again and waiting for the rest of us to join you in our own time. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of new antics to make us all laugh again when we next see you. I considered both of you as a part of my extended family and miss you terribly. RIP, I love both of you.

To my friends and family around me, I’m sorry if my temper seems short, or I seem to snap for no apparent reason. I am still trying to process this all in my head and fail horribly at times. I love all of you.

Gerg