Four in the morning…
Well, not quite, though the title is fitting in a zen kind of way. As I start to write this post it is just a touch after 2:30, but not sure I’ll get to sleep before 4. It’s been a few weeks since my last post, and once again I had written from a fairly personal angle. Since then some people have become quite scarce and distant. More than likely I should just attribute it to busy schedules and the daily demands of life, but being the analytically brained person I am I can’t help but feel there’s more to it. Of course that relies on the assumption that not only does ANYONE read these articles, but that the people I am referring to have read them and what I wrote has caused the shifts in our friendships. (Fairly pretentious of me no?)
I’ve found out that some of you consider me a hopeless romantic. I couldn’t disagree more. I consider myself more of the hopeful romantic. Is it wrong to look forward with great anticipation to the day that there is someone again in my life that is as anxious to see me after a time apart as I am to see them? So many people go through life just looking forward to the next day, thinking their tomorrow’s will be better. Well I want TODAY to be better. And not just this today, but every today I have from now on. So each moment I try to be honest with myself and continue to prepare myself so when I have that person in my life again I can do my best to show them with every moment we share, that they are that important to me.
Did I mention it’s almost 3AM? Please excuse my random/rambling sentences. I’ll probably think better of this post and either remove it in the morning, or wish that I had.
I’m so lost in thoughts and feelings lately that sometimes I don’t know which way to turn. I’ve got people from my past that sit, just on the fringes of reach, that I don’t know whether to take the chance to let them know how important they are to me, even in spite of the challenges we would face if we decided to even attempt to move forward with something more serious. Then I’ve got all the new people that I’ve met (and some that I keep trying to meet, but life just gets in the way sometimes) that could possibly turn into that great, gut-wrenching feeling you get when your mind even just slightly thinks of them. Sometimes having too many possibilities is as much of a curse as a blessing.
Today the boys and I took our first serious hike on one of the many trails that are around here. We then stopped to get a quick bite to eat, drop of Josh’s girlfriend, and then headed home. As the van crested a hill, in the distance were the mountains we had been hiking through all day. And above them, the sun was setting in another of it’s glorious spectacles. Of course my hopelessly romantic mind (-; instantly thought about how nice it would be to have someone at my side again to sit and be both amazed at the sunset as well as glad to have someone to share it with.
I really should just stop typing now and try to go to sleep. I guess I’ll just try to wrap up this “I’m going to regret this when I reread it in the morning” blog post with this thought. Whether you are someone from my past, or someone who has yet to meet me (and if you are the latter I hope this post doesn’t “scare” you off, but then again it’s probably good that you learn early on that I’ll talk about/share damn near anything), don’t ever be afraid to tell me exactly what you are thinking or feeling at any given moment. After all the lies in my past, I’m ready to try a relationship based on truths. I’m a big boy, and I can be thankful for the opportunity to share a part of my life with you, as well as I am able to deal with the disappointment should you feel otherwise. There will always be challenges, distance, our pasts, being afraid to be hurt again, but unless we are willing to take a chance that it might be great, we’ll never know what it’s full potential could be.
Now, if only I could take my own damn advice…
Gerg