An answer to my insomnia…
Well, things are starting to come to a critical point, and I think that’s why I haven’t been able to get to sleep until I am dead tired. Income is FAR below expenses. My application for state assistance I just found out, was denied. After my meeting in person I was confident there wouldn’t be an issue. Not nearly enough to make things “good” but it would help take the edge off a bit. The automated system said that the denial was due to my not verifying my income. WHAT income? During my personal meeting we discussed that all I had was what work my attempt to start a company brought in, so they requested bank statements, which I provided. We then went over them (both business and personal bank accounts) and I showed each place I had taken money from the company (or a draw) for paying bills. I was missing my savings account statement for the business, and a few other documents (when was the last time you needed YOUR birth certificate? luckily my mom had mine fairly handy). So I turned in all that paperwork a few days before Thanksgiving and was told I would be notified about the status, so I waited. Apparently something regarding our discussion about my income didn’t get communicated across and now I have to go figure out what. I just hope that it IS just a miscommunication somewhere and not that they decided what I provided isn’t enough, I have nothing else I can do to prove to them that I haven’t made any other money!
So the rent is now due, my cell phone is in danger of being turned off, utility bills will be arriving any day, and I am not sure WHAT I will do about Christmas for my boys. I guess I’ll just have to ask Santa for something for myself this year, the ability to come up with a solution to all this mess I have placed my family into because I was feeling a bit lost with who I was. I’m feeling much better about knowing who I am now, but at what expense to my family?
Work for the company I am starting is scattered too much to be reliable. And finding an actual “job” is virtually impossible here (or anywhere for that matter). I had hoped I might be able to find some sort of a night stocking job so I could work while the kids slept, then do napping and work for my business while they were at school. It would be tough, but it would pay the bills. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much luck finding any sort of job. The menial ones I get looked at like I am nuts for wanting a job like that with my past work experience, and every other position is filled by the time I find out about it.
I know things will get better. They always do. I know I will find a solution. I always have. But I’m not sure I have ever been quite to this point of… I don’t want to call it despair, because that word is TOO strong for it and doesn’t describe my mental being, but a suitable alternative escapes me at the moment. There’s got to be an answer somewhere. I’ll find it.
Gerg