2009 – a retrospective
Here I sit, just under 3 hours left for 2009, and I can’t help but be reflective of the year almost behind me, and the changes it included. The year started on a pretty high note, I had a wonderful job with the best bunch of coworkers anyone could hope for. I had recently begun dating a woman I could happily say was also one of my greatest friends, a Yin to my Yang, and my kids were all happy and healthy (oh, and I had recently been informed I would become a grandfather in the new year). Nothing that would give even a hint to the drastic turns that awaited me.
(On a quick side note, I don’t neglect to use names in these posts because I am ashamed or afraid of people knowing exactly how I feel about them, but rather because I know some would rather I not mention them directly.)
First my dating life twisted when she decided maybe we weren’t quite meant to be a “couple” and while I could tell the decision was hard for her, but being a person that was able to put logic into her actions I knew she felt the decision was for the best in her eyes, I supported the decision and we stopped seeing each other. This led to my finding another great person in my life that I am happy to still call a friend, we dated for a bit, and she also felt we weren’t quite right for each other, but would be better as friends. We continued seeing movies together and spending whatever free time together we could. I, of course, always wondered “what if” but was perfectly happy as long as she remained a friend. The first lady and I began talking again sometime around mid-year and I was once again glad to have someone that I felt so attached to in my life and whatever capacity that might be.
I still felt slightly lost and overwhelmed with everything, being a single parent, wanting more from my career, not sure where my love life was going. Summertime came and my two older boys took their trip to visit their cousins in Arizona. I had to fly Brent out to see his mother in Florida for the summer, and since I couldn’t get the flight I needed from California, I flew him out of Phoenix then drove up to pick up the older boys and drive them home. Little did I know that trip would be the catalyst for the biggest change of my adult life. Even the events that led to me spending a long weekend in Prescott Valley rather than just a day or two now seems predestined. But that weekend, for the first time in several years, I actually felt relaxed and at peace with myself and everything going on around me.
I joked about moving out here that weekend, but once I returned to California, that feeling just grew stronger that I was meant to make a change. The more I looked into it the more it seemed obvious that I was needed to pursue this adventure. I knew I would miss my friends (though never just how much), and that it would be a struggle financially (again not just how much) but felt driven to at least take a chance so I wouldn’t look back later in life and wonder ‘what if’. Though, to be fair, I guess no matter what decision we make we will always be able to insert a ‘what if’ into the scenario. But I finally committed to the move, and we took the plunge.
The support from my old employer was humbling, from my friends was heart-wrenching. I knew they wanted the best for me, but everyone is entitled to a bit of selfishness, and they let me know how they felt. I am well aware on one hand, they all hope I make it, and that I find all the wonderful things in life that I am meant to, but at the same time, a small part of them hopes I return to California. Not because they want to see me fail, but because they don’t want to lose me as a close friend. We can all make the comments about how we would never let that happen, but everyone knows better than that, and that life doesn’t always allow us to keep in contact with the people we want as much as we want to. Add distance into that equation it it becomes even tougher.
I don’t know what 2010 has in store for me, but I know that no matter what may be around the corner, I can rely on my friends and family to be there when I need them most. Just knowing that has been the basis that has given me the strength for all the change this year. I may end up having to return to California, where I know work awaits me, probably not the same job I left behind, but a job none-the-less, or I may find my niche out here and the work will start flowing that will allow me to experience life more fully than ever before. I am doing a bit of dating, and still have some thoughts that past relationships may build back up into something that will last a lifetime. Whatever life holds I am just doing my best to allow it to reveal itself to me in due time, without forcing the issue or “making” things evolve into something they’re not. If there is one thing I learned in 2009, it’s that you can’t make everything work out like you would hope, all you can do is continue to be true to yourself, make sure you put yourself out there a bit, and be open to the twists and turns that life throws at you.
You never know what a decision today could mean in the future, so just live each day as openly and exuberantly as you can, and in the end I am confident it will all work out for the best. With that in mind, once again I am going to remind all my friends how much I love and cherish them. I am not going to start naming them directly because I will inadvertently forget to mention someone and I don’t want anyone to feel left out. Those of you close to my heart I am sure are well aware of it, and don’t need me to reaffirm that love for you. So whatever you’ve got in store for me 2010… BRING IT!!! But keep in mind, I’ve got myself a pretty great support system, so do your best, I’ll be bouncing right back at ya asking if that’s all you got!
Love,
Gerg