Much to say without saying much…
It was pointed out to me that my last post, 2 years in the making, didn’t quite seem long enough to encompass the events for an entire 2 years. And it wasn’t. The length of that post was carefully considered to be the optimum length to hold your attention without boring you to tears (actually I just rambled for a bit then stopped, but work with me a bit). I’m not sure what else to cover to bring everyone up to speed who may not have been carefully stalking, um observing, my online happenings. Suffice it to say things happened, time moved on, and here we are back at this stage. Should something I say confuse or otherwise concern you, please feel free to speak up and I will see if I can further obscure the topic.
Moving on. Right after that post the other night, I spent the next hour or so perusing my own ruminations (big words, are you impressed?) going back to the date I started this blog. In re-reading some of it, I couldn’t help but notice that I quite possibly already knew the outcome of certain events (scary how much of a clairvoyant I am). It is worth noting that while some of the more recent posts may indicate otherwise, some things were stated in the blog in an attempt to convey things that may not have actually been true. (Cryptic enough for ya? I know, I’m kind of lost too). Basically, I made some feeble attempts to allay certain peoples fears about not just me, but my actions. I failed. Whatever the reason for that failure, in reading back further, I realized that there may have not been any other outcome BUT failure in that case. It seems I was once again attempting to hold onto something that I knew was toxic to who I was in my core because of what I saw as a possibility for other aspects of my life. You have to be true to your innermost gut feelings though (a lesson I apparently had to be taught yet again).
By not starting to re-read my posts from the beginning, but rather traversing backwards from recent times it was rather enlightening (at least to me). Especially when I reached some posts dating back to the last time I was single and my thoughts at that time. Things I had forgotten about were brought back to light, and whether the fact that I had written them and others had read them influenced events or not would be tough to say. Thoughts then apparently held sway, either to those involved, or quite possibly event to myself. Things I knew I felt but suppressed to allow everyone to “move forward” ended up not helping anyone in the long run.
OK, enough of the jibber jabber and not saying anything. Let’s get to the real reason your here… sheer boredom, and the hope that maybe something I’ve done might be entertaining. Nope. Sorry. Nada. There is no entertainment to be had here. Nothing to see. Just keep moving along.
Seriously though, things have been… interesting? It always amazes me how some things we thought were long in our past return, and how some things you thought would return, do return, but in a completely different manner than you anticipated. I don’t know where any part of my life is going to lead. There are some roads I hope won’t come to a dead end, and others that it’s just rather interesting to keep heading down out of morbid curiosity at this point. Either way, I have made a promise to myself to never again let go of the people or things that matter the most to me. Should anyone make me feel that I should do so, then I need to take a more serious look at THAT situation and decide where the real change needs to happen. I have come to find out that I wasn’t there for someone who means so much to me when they needed me most, and that bothers me… A LOT. While they have not done anything to make me feel guilty for not being there for them, the guilt I feel from myself is enough. I refuse to let them down again, and hope that is one path that still has many more milestones to pass and landmarks to explore and become excited over.
I guess that’s the lesson for today. If someone is important to you, then don’t let anyone else in your life sway you from that. Do what you can every day to show them how you feel and how important they are to you. Be there when they need you, be there when you need them, after all, everything is a balancing act. Whatever the outcome, you will feel better knowing that you did your part.
OK, I’m off. I’ll see you all again soon and see if I can’t further confuse you.
Gerg