The Gergorian Rant

Well, not quite, though the title is fitting in a zen kind of way. As I start to write this post it is just a touch after 2:30, but not sure I’ll get to sleep before 4. It’s been a few weeks since my last post, and once again I had written from a fairly personal angle. Since then some people have become quite scarce and distant. More than likely I should just attribute it to busy schedules and the daily demands of life, but being the analytically brained person I am I can’t help but feel there’s more to it. Of course that relies on the assumption that not only does ANYONE read these articles, but that the people I am referring to have read them and what I wrote has caused the shifts in our friendships. (Fairly pretentious of me no?)

I’ve found out that some of you consider me a hopeless romantic. I couldn’t disagree more. I consider myself more of the hopeful romantic. Is it wrong to look forward with great anticipation to the day that there is someone again in my life that is as anxious to see me after a time apart as I am to see them? So many people go through life just looking forward to the next day, thinking their tomorrow’s will be better. Well I want TODAY to be better. And not just this today, but every today I have from now on. So each moment I try to be honest with myself and continue to prepare myself so when I have that person in my life again I can do my best to show them with every moment we share, that they are that important to me.

Did I mention it’s almost 3AM? Please excuse my random/rambling sentences. I’ll probably think better of this post and either remove it in the morning, or wish that I had.

I’m so lost in thoughts and feelings lately that sometimes I don’t know which way to turn. I’ve got people from my past that sit, just on the fringes of reach, that I don’t know whether to take the chance to let them know how important they are to me, even in spite of the challenges we would face if we decided to even attempt to move forward with something more serious. Then I’ve got all the new people that I’ve met (and some that I keep trying to meet, but life just gets in the way sometimes) that could possibly turn into that great, gut-wrenching feeling you get when your mind even just slightly thinks of them. Sometimes having too many possibilities is as much of a curse as a blessing.

Today the boys and I took our first serious hike on one of the many trails that are around here. We then stopped to get a quick bite to eat, drop of Josh’s girlfriend, and then headed home. As the van crested a hill, in the distance were the mountains we had been hiking through all day. And above them, the sun was setting in another of it’s glorious spectacles. Of course my hopelessly romantic mind (-; instantly thought about how nice it would be to have someone at my side again to sit and be both amazed at the sunset as well as glad to have someone to share it with.

I really should just stop typing now and try to go to sleep. I guess I’ll just try to wrap up this “I’m going to regret this when I reread it in the morning” blog post with this thought. Whether you are someone from my past, or someone who has yet to meet me (and if you are the latter I hope this post doesn’t “scare” you off, but then again it’s probably good that you learn early on that I’ll talk about/share damn near anything), don’t ever be afraid to tell me exactly what you are thinking or feeling at any given moment. After all the lies in my past, I’m ready to try a relationship based on truths. I’m a big boy, and I can be thankful for the opportunity to share a part of my life with you, as well as I am able to deal with the disappointment should you feel otherwise. There will always be challenges, distance, our pasts, being afraid to be hurt again, but unless we are willing to take a chance that it might be great, we’ll never know what it’s full potential could be.

Now, if only I could take my own damn advice…

Gerg

A lot of people believe in the concept that there is that “one” person out there who is their soul-mate and their quest in life is to find that person. I’m pretty sure I used to be a member of that group, but over the years my view on that, especially in the last couple years, has changed. Because of the people I have dated since becoming single again I am now pretty confident that there isn’t any one person, but rather different people who, if you are lucky enough to cross paths with, could possibly be the “one” for you at that time in your life. Should you both decide to merge your paths together and see where it takes you there are two possible results.

The first would be that you grow together and continue to keep enriching each other’s lives and have a long love-filled journey that you share. Alternatively, you could share yourself with another for a time, but find that as you continue to grow and learn more about both yourself and life in general, you realize that you two aren’t meant to be together for the long term. This doesn’t mean you have wasted your time with them, quite the contrary, BECAUSE of that time spent you have been shaped into the person you are now. Without a doubt there were life decisions that were made during that time together that affect you for the rest of your time on this world. I’ve never understood the bitter separations where both parties end up absolutely loathing each other. For at least a part of your life that person was the most important person to you, how could those feelings be turned so far inside out that the mere thought of them revolts you now?

A few nights ago I was talking with a friend who I’ve known for a long time now, and we our discussing included some of the women that I’ve been involved with in my life. She encouraged me to make sure that one in particular was aware of how I felt about her the next time we were together. A few nights later I was together with that person, but didn’t initiate “the talk” as we had referred to it. It wasn’t because I was unsure of my feelings, or that I was scared of the possible negative outcome, or any of the other myriad possibilities people might attribute to the fact that I didn’t “step up”. It was simply because right now, at this moment in my life, I am enjoying my “freedom” from a personal attachment to another person. That’s not to mean that I wouldn’t fully embrace having a special someone to share my life with. Rather I am just looking forward to enjoying the journey I am on right now without trying to artificially direct where it leads me.

I am open to whatever the future holds, right now (at least in my head) there are a few people I would love to see things move forward towards a relationship. I also know there are more people for me to meet and when the time is right things will start moving in that direction with someone. Each one of these women holds a special place in my heart, even though things didn’t work out in the past for us doesn’t mean the future is determined. I hope that makes sense to at least some of you and I’m not sure why this has been on my mind so much lately. Maybe I’ll look back at some point and think that I should have done something differently, but I’m going on the belief that life will unfold as it is meant to. If I’m meant to say or do something that helps to advance a relationship with someone then it will happen. Just because I don’t at this moment, doesn’t mean that her and I aren’t meant to be together, but rather that we aren’t meant to at this particular point in time.

Just thought I’d get back to sharing a bit more of my personal thoughts and feelings with all of you. It’s because of all the people that I have in my life that I have had the courage to make the decisions that I have. The simple fact that I know I have so many people’s support and love makes it much easier to choose what direction to head my life in. I love each and every one of you and know that no matter what I might decide to do, it will be with your unwavering support, and that makes it so much easier to get through the rough patches.

Trust me though, when I do find someone to once again share my life with, every one of you will know it!

Love,

Gerg

It’s been awhile since my last post (big surprise there eh?). And there is quite a bit to report. First, I’ve started a job working for a company here that delivers home medical equipment. This doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on my own business (quite the contrary as this will now allow me to slowly develop the business instead of worrying about picking up whatever job I can so I can attempt to pay the bills). The kids are all doing pretty well, Josh is challenging a couple courses to ensure he can graduate because he informs me that his school neglected to tell him about 2 classes he needs. One of them he took, but because of the wording on his transcript from Hemet High it doesn’t “qualify”, the other is Arizona history. He will be challenging both classes so hopefully he passes and can graduate with his class at the end of the year. Billy is excelling in band, unfortunately he is slacking in most of the other traditional classes. I realize some of it is teenage angst and some is just hereditary (yep, I wasn’t the best of students) but I’m really hoping he comes around before he has to repeat a grade like his older brother did. Trying to impress upon him that it isn’t necessarily WHAT he is learning, but more about HOW to find the answers he needs. School is more about life lessons then actual education. That information is necessary, but there is a bigger picture to consider. And finally Brent has really started to catch on and even won an award in January for “Most Improved Student”. When we first moved out here and he started 3rd grade, he was actually just barely where he should have been the last few months of 1st grade. Now he is closer to where he would have been at the start of this year and is continuing to excel. The school system out here just seems so much more in tune with kids struggling and that each student is a unique challenge. Instead of labeling them as troublesome, they work with the kids to find out how they learn and then focus on those strengths.

On the work front, as I stated, I’ve started a new job and while it is exactly what I was looking for (something I could show up each day, do my job, and return home to focus on moving my business forward) I’ve got to say I have a newfound respect for people who work jobs such as this day in and day out for years and years. Everyone knows I thrive and a good challenge, and this job has those, but not nearly as many as I need. Thankfully starting your own business DOES offer them and it makes for a good balance. That’s not to say the job isn’t rewarding, showing up at someone’s home and getting them setup with the equipment they need to make their life a bit easier as their health starts to decline, is a great feeling. That is balanced out by finding out they have moved on to a better place (just started Monday and I’ve already had 2 patients we delivered equipment for pass on). It’s quite humbling, but I’m glad I can assist the families and let them know that they don’t have to concern themselves so much with the medical needs of their family/friend, and can instead focus on just being there for them. We will take care of the rest of it as much as possible. My mind is filled with suggestions for the owner of the company to make improvements, still a little early to know the best way to approach him with these suggestions, so I’ll just keep storing them away in my head and hope that the end result is something that will be mutually beneficial. I now have the luxury of taking the next year or two and slowly ramping up my business, and do my best to prepare for the day that I’m ready to completely venture off onto my own. In the meantime, while I work on my business, I’ll try to help improve the company I work for as I have always done.

I’m getting out a lot more (thanks to the guidance of my older brother) and meeting/making lots more friends. Another benefit of having the part time job is I can focus on just building my friendships around town. Get to know both the people better and the town, and as my friends increase, the opportunities for work will grow as well. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I am actually enjoying being single and am just doing what I do. When the time is right I’ll come across a special someone, and it will work out just as it was meant to. I may even already know that someone, could be from my past, or anyone. My mind is completely open to the possibilities that await me and I look forward to see where it all takes me.

Thanks for stopping by, I’m not even going to try to make the promise to post on a more regular schedule. Let’s just leave it with a simple, so long until next time we meet…

Gerg