The Gergorian Rant

A lot of people believe in the concept that there is that “one” person out there who is their soul-mate and their quest in life is to find that person. I’m pretty sure I used to be a member of that group, but over the years my view on that, especially in the last couple years, has changed. Because of the people I have dated since becoming single again I am now pretty confident that there isn’t any one person, but rather different people who, if you are lucky enough to cross paths with, could possibly be the “one” for you at that time in your life. Should you both decide to merge your paths together and see where it takes you there are two possible results.

The first would be that you grow together and continue to keep enriching each other’s lives and have a long love-filled journey that you share. Alternatively, you could share yourself with another for a time, but find that as you continue to grow and learn more about both yourself and life in general, you realize that you two aren’t meant to be together for the long term. This doesn’t mean you have wasted your time with them, quite the contrary, BECAUSE of that time spent you have been shaped into the person you are now. Without a doubt there were life decisions that were made during that time together that affect you for the rest of your time on this world. I’ve never understood the bitter separations where both parties end up absolutely loathing each other. For at least a part of your life that person was the most important person to you, how could those feelings be turned so far inside out that the mere thought of them revolts you now?

A few nights ago I was talking with a friend who I’ve known for a long time now, and we our discussing included some of the women that I’ve been involved with in my life. She encouraged me to make sure that one in particular was aware of how I felt about her the next time we were together. A few nights later I was together with that person, but didn’t initiate “the talk” as we had referred to it. It wasn’t because I was unsure of my feelings, or that I was scared of the possible negative outcome, or any of the other myriad possibilities people might attribute to the fact that I didn’t “step up”. It was simply because right now, at this moment in my life, I am enjoying my “freedom” from a personal attachment to another person. That’s not to mean that I wouldn’t fully embrace having a special someone to share my life with. Rather I am just looking forward to enjoying the journey I am on right now without trying to artificially direct where it leads me.

I am open to whatever the future holds, right now (at least in my head) there are a few people I would love to see things move forward towards a relationship. I also know there are more people for me to meet and when the time is right things will start moving in that direction with someone. Each one of these women holds a special place in my heart, even though things didn’t work out in the past for us doesn’t mean the future is determined. I hope that makes sense to at least some of you and I’m not sure why this has been on my mind so much lately. Maybe I’ll look back at some point and think that I should have done something differently, but I’m going on the belief that life will unfold as it is meant to. If I’m meant to say or do something that helps to advance a relationship with someone then it will happen. Just because I don’t at this moment, doesn’t mean that her and I aren’t meant to be together, but rather that we aren’t meant to at this particular point in time.

Just thought I’d get back to sharing a bit more of my personal thoughts and feelings with all of you. It’s because of all the people that I have in my life that I have had the courage to make the decisions that I have. The simple fact that I know I have so many people’s support and love makes it much easier to choose what direction to head my life in. I love each and every one of you and know that no matter what I might decide to do, it will be with your unwavering support, and that makes it so much easier to get through the rough patches.

Trust me though, when I do find someone to once again share my life with, every one of you will know it!

Love,

Gerg

With every passing moment I become more and more sure of the decisions I am making and the route my life is beginning to take. I wish I could explain to everyone around me WHY I have such a confident feeling about all of this, and for someone that is so used to knowing just what to say it’s a bit frustrating that at this critical time there are some people I can’t explain it to. The closest I think I can come to it is a bit of a reiteration from a previous posting. The fact that my entire adult life has been spent playing the “safe” bets to ensure I could continue to support my family instead of going after what I truly wanted. Or maybe it is due to all of the events happening around the entire world that is making me look at life a little differently and attempt to make each day has fulfilling as I can. I could just continue to get through life, or I could take some chances (some of them with possibly horrible results if they don’t work out like I think they will) but I don’t want to keep going around afraid to take a chance because it might not work out like I hope.

Is the possibility of that ultimate happiness really there? I think it is and I want to do everything possible to try to make it finally happen for me. When I start really enjoying each and every day like I should I know it will rub off on everyone around me and we can all become that ridiculously happy family that everyone wishes they could be. There could be horrible consequences my taking some of these chances, and if I had the ability to see into the future maybe I wouldn’t take them. But I don’t have that ability so I just have to make the decisions that seem right for me and my kids and hope they turn out just like I envision them to.

I know everyone else isn’t at that same point and can’t quite imagine that things could work out so well. They are wondering where the glitch in the whole thing is going to come from and worried about what the consequences of that glitch are. But I want to shoot for the moon for once, even if I only make it to the stars it will still be an amazing journey. If I can bring those I care most about with me and we can enjoy the trip together I don’t think we’ll mind WHERE we end up because the ride there is going to be so much fun.

I don’t know if that helps anyone to feel more at ease with these decisions, especially those that could be affected most by them, but with any luck they will soon decide for themselves that the potential happiness that could come from all of this is FAR greater than the possible risk and will become more at ease with taking some of those chances with me. I can be patient and wait for them to come to those conclusions on their own. I realize that is just another part of this whole process. All I can do is be as confident and comforting as possible for them.

Gerg

Just barely two weeks ago moving to Arizona (or anywhere far from “home” for that matter) was just some little thought that had been in my head for years. Who could’ve guessed that a simple short vacation would have spurred such a dramatic series of events. It’s not a surprise to anyone that knows me that I’d always hoped to someday be able to start my own business doing computer work, thus giving me that ability to live almost anywhere I want, and to live life instead of letting life live me. Well, when you are a parent (and a single one at that) your dreams aren’t always attainable, and you make sacrifices for the good of your children. Maybe because of those sacrifices you end up not being able to provide for your kids as well as you had hoped, but as virtually every parent can attest, we knew what we were signing up for and we wouldn’t trade the unconditional love of our children for anything. It’s a far greater dream to have kids that love you than anything else you might strive for in life. So you take the “safe” path through life as much as possible. Knowing you can place food on the table every night becomes more important than things you might wish to have or dreams you might want to chase. You always have that thought in your head (I did anyway) that if only you could take the plunge the end result would be ultimately worth it for not only you, but your kids as well, but reality grounds you and keeps you from trying.

Well, life being what it is you just keeping going through the motions and before you know it the kids are starting to head off on their own and you realize you just might be able to take some of those risks. So I decided to start the ball rolling and see what kind of response I got and how many hurdles I had to jump over. That decision was made just a little over a week ago and I thought it would be 3-4 months of planning and figuring everything out. Then something happened, the stars lined up, someone decided it was time for me to get a break for once, something (and I’m not going to question it any further than that but just appreciate it instead) and every thing that I thought was going to be an obstacle to overcome, has turned into either an insignificant speck of a detail, or (and this is more surprising to me than anything) it’s instead turned into one more blessing.

One of the toughest tasks I had ahead of me was informing my current employer of my plans (and I realize some of the things I write in these posts overlap each other, forgive me, but each time I start writing I just go with what the gut tells me and see where the article ends up). So I sat down with them earlier this week and gave them a “heads up” about my plans, I still thought it would be months, but knowing the magnitude of replacing me I wanted to let them know as early on as possible. And I don’t mean that to sound like I am so full of myself that the company is going to fold without me, just that I know I do a lot of things here, some are done with such a sense of routine that not even I realize what they are at times. We all decided it would be for the best to start looking for my replacement to get a feel for what kind of person we could hire in to take over my responsibilities. One qualm I had about it all was that in the IT industry you get a lot of chest banging, and I-know-how-to-do-this-better-so-we-need-to-restructure-it-all-from-scratch attitudes. That is NOT what this company needs, our network may not be the most “textbook” of layouts, but it allows the company to function and grow (we’ve been in a growth state basically since I started almost 17 years ago so we must be doing something right). So I didn’t know what we might find, and with today’s technology, there are a LOT of tasks that don’t even require you to be physically located near the systems you are working on. I’ve had an assistant working for me, and he’s a sharp kid, but he’s is just that, still a kid and has lots to learn about making business types of decisions. So his taking over my responsibilities would be quite daunting for him, but hiring someone in above him is also somewhat counter-productive to both him and the business.

After talking some more with the owners, and receiving their support, blessings, and best wishes of making this all a success for me. It was decided to try something a little new. Let my assistant take over the tasks that require a physical presence at the shop, and I will maintain my duties in everything that can be done from off-site, as well as being available at all times to mentor and guide him as he takes on new tasks and expands his knowledge. This decision should ultimately benefit everyone, the company retains my knowledge that is almost impossible to just pass over to a new person but instead has to be learned over a LONG period of time, I get a chance to do some free-lance work which gives me some income so I don’t have to jump at the first job that is offered to me (or maybe not even require me to begin a position with a new company but rather strike off on my own and give owning my own business the proper attention it requires), and my assistant gets a chance to prove what he is capable of, and slowly move up into taking over more and more of the duties I now perform. In turn, the company also doesn’t get some new person in who decides their way is the best and starts attempting to reinvent the wheel. I know our systems here can be improved, but it has to be done safely so as to not affect shop production in the slightest, and unless you TRULY understand the entire network, then knowing how and when to make those improvements becomes an almost impossible task.

As an added benefit, my initial monthly expenses when moving out there will be minimal since we will be moving in with some friends for awhile to give us a chance to feel everything out and make sure things are properly taken care of. It’s incredible the way that things have just fallen into place, and what I thought was going to happen either closer to the end of the year or beginning of next year, is now looking very promising for the next month or so. There are still some details to iron out (my older boy’s mom, still lives in this area so visitation schedules have to be worked out, and I will figure out something since I am the one making this decision, I’ll also potentially be leaving my daughter and grandson behind as I don’t know that she and her boyfriend would want to move out that way (we’ll learn all that tomorrow night when we discuss it). I feel bad that so many things are in place and I am just now talking to my daughter, but as I said, I had no idea things were going to just mesh together quite so smoothly. There are also other facets of this whole decision that will come to light as the time is right for them to do so, but every part of this decision just feels so right I think that maybe I was just lucky enough to take this chance at the moment I did. A year ago, or a year from now it might not have worked quite so well. I’m just thankful that so many things are coming together, and I am the happiest I have been in a LONG time and can’t see that changing anytime soon.

Thanks again to all my friends and family without whose support I would have never had the guts to even consider starting on this life-changing journey. I love all of you and while I don’t tell you all enough, I hope you know it.

Gerg