The Gergorian Rant

Here I sit, just under 3 hours left for 2009, and I can’t help but be reflective of the year almost behind me, and the changes it included. The year started on a pretty high note, I had a wonderful job with the best bunch of coworkers anyone could hope for. I had recently begun dating a women I could happily say was also one of my greatest friends, a Yin to my Yang, and my kids were all happy and healthy (oh, and I had recently been informed I would become a grandfather in the new year). Nothing that would give even a hint to the drastic turns that awaited me.

(On a quick side note, I don’t neglect to use names in these posts because I am ashamed or afraid of people knowing exactly how I feel about them, but rather because I know some would rather I not mention them directly.)

First my dating life twisted when she decided maybe we weren’t quite meant to be a “couple” and while I could tell the decision was hard for her, but being a person that was able to put logic into her actions I knew she felt the decision was for the best in her eyes, I supported the decision and we stopped seeing each other. This led to my finding another great person in my life that I am happy to still call a friend, we dated for a bit, and she also felt we weren’t quite right for each other, but would be better as friends. We continued seeing movies together and spending whatever free time together we could. I, of course, always wondered “what if” but was perfectly happy as long as she remained a friend. The first lady and I began talking again sometime around mid-year and I was once again glad to have someone that I felt so attached to in my life and whatever capacity that might be.

I still felt slightly lost and overwhelmed with everything, being a single parent, wanting more from my career, not sure where my love life was going. Summertime came and my two older boys took their trip to visit their cousins in Arizona. I had to fly Brent out to see his mother in Florida for the summer, and since I couldn’t get the flight I needed from California, I flew him out of Phoenix then drove up to pick up the older boys and drive them home. Little did I know that trip would be the catalyst for the biggest change of my adult life. Even the events that led to me spending a long weekend in Prescott Valley rather than just a day or two now seems predestined. But that weekend, for the first time in several years, I actually felt relaxed and at peace with myself and everything going on around me.

I joked about moving out here that weekend, but once I returned to California, that feeling just grew stronger that I was meant to make a change. The more I looked into it the more it seemed obvious that I was needed to pursue this adventure. I knew I would miss my friends (though never just how much), and that it would be a struggle financially (again not just how much) but felt driven to at least take a chance so I wouldn’t look back later in life and wonder ‘what if’. Though, to be fair, I guess no matter what decision we make we will always be able to insert a ‘what if’ into the scenario. But I finally committed to the move, and we took the plunge.

The support from my old employer was humbling, from my friends was heart-wrenching. I knew they wanted the best for me, but everyone is entitled to a bit of selfishness, and they let me know how they felt. I am well aware on one hand, they all hope I make it, and that I find all the wonderful things in life that I am meant to, but at the same time, a small part of them hopes I return to California. Not because they want to see me fail, but because they don’t want to lose me as a close friend. We can all make the comments about how we would never let that happen, but everyone knows better than that, and that life doesn’t always allow us to keep in contact with the people we want as much as we want to. Add distance into that equation it it becomes even tougher.

I don’t know what 2010 has in store for me, but I know that no matter what may be around the corner, I can rely on my friends and family to be there when I need them most. Just knowing that has been the basis that has given me the strength for all the change this year. I may end up having to return to California, where I know work awaits me, probably not the same job I left behind, but a job none-the-less, or I may find my niche out here and the work will start flowing that will allow me to experience life more fully than ever before. I am doing a bit of dating, and still have some thoughts that past relationships may build back up into something that will last a lifetime. Whatever life holds I am just doing my best to allow it to reveal itself to me in due time, without forcing the issue or “making” things evolve into something they’re not. If there is one thing I learned in 2009, it’s that you can’t make everything work out like you would hope, all you can do is continue to be true to yourself, make sure you put yourself out there a bit, and be open to the twists and turns that life throws at you.

You never know what a decision today could mean in the future, so just live each day as openly and exuberantly as you can, and in the end I am confident it will all work out for the best. With that in mind, once again I am going to remind all my friends how much I love and cherish them. I am not going to start naming them directly because I will inadvertently forget to mention someone and I don’t want anyone to feel left out. Those of you close to my heart I am sure are well aware of it, and don’t need me to reaffirm that love for you. So whatever you’ve got in store for me 2010… BRING IT!!! But keep in mind, I’ve got myself a pretty great support system, so do your best, I’ll be bouncing right back at ya asking if that’s all you got!

Love,

Gerg

Most people reading this know that back in August of this year I made the decision to move my boys and myself from California to Arizona. We relocated to a beautiful town in the mountains called Prescott Valley. That move obviously required that I leave my employer for the last 15 years and strike off on my own, an endeavor I’ve always dreamed of undertaking and finally took a chance with. So off we went to Arizona, me technically jobless, and started a new chapter of our lives. As with any new business start-up getting through the first few months is always tough, and I am encountering that first-hand. As my finances rapidly depleted I began to wonder as to the sanity of my decision and whether I had finally made a decision in my life that I was going to regret.

That brings us to the Christmas season, my older two boys knew of our financial situation, and that it was going to be a VERY simple holiday season (though I am not completely sure they understood just HOW simple). As Christmas day rapidly approached I began to feel that I had finally failed them despite knowing they still fully supported the move out here. While I still struggle to find the amount of work needed to sustain our household, I had obligations to meet such as getting my middle son to see his mother for the holidays. Luckily my friends that I had been working with (and them doing so patiently most months) to purchase a car, asked if I would like to return the car to them so their son could use it. I took the opportunity to drive the car back to them, drop my son off with his mother, then fly back home (courtesy of my father since I couldn’t afford the plane ticket).

That brings us to the Tuesday night before Christmas. I flew home in the evening, took the boys to get some dinner, then returned home to take care of some work I had for my old employer. The mounting bills, and lack of income has put quite a damper on my sleeping habits, so I found myself awake quite late that evening and trying to keep myself occupied and take thoughts off everything just for a bit. As I hopped around on Facebook I noticed one of my friends (whom I had returned the car to) posted a picture of a freeway at night with the caption “road trip!”. I didn’t recall him mentioning he had to go anywhere and contemplated texting him to see if everything was all right, but figured he was occupied with whatever might be happening to require a late night drive and would contact me if I could help. A few hours later I noticed another friend post about the thought of living on Happy Valley Road, which is a road just outside of Phoenix not far from where I live. Again, I wrote it off, not putting much thought into it and figuring there are more places with that same name in other towns. Finally about 3am I headed off to sleep.

Just after 4am, I was awakened to a knocking at my door. When you are first awakened you tend to lie there for a moment trying to figure out if it was your dream or not, so as I lay there contemplating it and attempting to recall if/what I was dreaming I heard it again. Yep, someone was at my door. Dreading it might be the landlord demanding some money or that we relocated, I stole a peek outside my bedroom window. Yep, there was a car in my driveway, and I couldn’t quite place it. As my sleepiness began receding more and more rapidly, the knocking became incessant and not something one could ignore. Finally reaching the front door, I swung it open to find my two friends from California standing on my front porch. Between the sleepiness, and being dumbfounded by those particular two people standing in my doorway, I stood there speechless. They stepped inside and told me they had something to show me and that I needed to come outside to see it.

Putting on a bit more (it was snowing outside after all) I followed them outside. One my front steps my friend slipped on the slick ice on the steps and fell rather hard. I am still worried about what damage that may have done, but it didn’t stop her face from glowing from the wonderful thing she had helped put together. It seems that all my friends from the bowling league I was a part of for somewhere around 17 years had all pitched in to “help out a family in need”. I had seen comments on Facebook about them doing that, but never in a million years had imagined that MY family was the one they were banding together to help. After all, there are so many other families out there that are so much worse off than mine was. But it wasn’t about that (though it took me a few days to wrap my head around just that simple fact). Rather it was about friends helping out one of their own.

The car was packed as full as could be, with the only room left open where both of them had sat for the 6+ hour drive to my house in the middle of the night. There was food to fill my pantry, jackets to keep the boys warm (we had California desert clothes after all, nothing designed for being in snow as often as we are finding ourselves now), and presents to place under the tree for Christmas morning. We unloaded the car, and just like that they were off. They both had to work the next day and had given up their precious sleep, and spending time with their own families, to bring the most wonderful of gifts to mine. I am still awestruck and get teary eyed even as I write this over a week later.

I don’t know how to say thank you enough to everyone that contributed, and I know they didn’t do it for the thanks, but rather because that’s just who they are. I can be proud that if nothing else, I have surrounded myself with the types of friends that will go above and beyond as my friends to ease my worry a bit and make my kids realize there are some truly wonderful people in the world. I decided the best way to say thanks would be to “pay it forward” and was given such an opportunity just a few days later, as we arrived at my sister’s house on Christmas Day and she mentioned that her and my niece would be getting up the next morning to go feed the homeless. I decided it was a sign, and joined them in that adventure (which I’ll write about in detail in a future blog post). It was a wonderful experience and one that I plan to repeat many more times.

Thank you to everyone who took part and made Christmas for me and my boys so much more memorable. It wasn’t about the fact of what they got in a possession sense, but rather that they got to witness, firsthand, the wonder of friends and what being someone’s friend truly means. There isn’t anything I could do that I feel would be repayment enough for the kindness and love shown to us, so I’ll just keep doing whatever presents itself (and some things I’ll search out on my own) to keep paying it forward and spread that love to more people.

I love every one of you, friends, family, acquaintances, and hope that I never do anything that would make you feel disappointment in me. As we bring 2009 to a close, I know that 2010 will be one of the best years ever as I am now more aware than ever of the potential that awaits each of us. Be safe in the new year and continue being the awesome people you are!

Love,

Gerg, Amanda, Josh, Billy, and Brent

It’s been quite awhile since my last post, I’ve had things I wanted to say, but just never really sat down to put them out there. This will be a bit of a hodge podge of different thoughts that have been drifting through my head these past few weeks. Not sure it will make much sense to anyone, but then again, I don’t think I ever started to write this blog for anyone BUT me in the first place. That’s not to say I don’t mind people reading it (I actually welcome it to tell you the truth) but the bottom line is this is MY place to put down some thoughts so I can come back to them in the future and remember where I was (in my head) at different points in my life.

It’s been about two months now since “the move” and for the most part I am not regretting it at all. I have to say that it might have been better planned out, but then again, if I had waited to plan it out I probably never would have done it, and I think I needed it as a bit of a “cleansing” for me. Things haven’t taken off quite like I had hoped, but then again, no new venture just hits the ground at full speed. I am beginning to see the fruits of my labors and it does give me hope, but I have a long hill to still climb. One factor I hadn’t thought out properly was obtaining a place of my own without a “real” job. No one will rent to someone just starting a business, so the past few weeks has been spent in search of “work”. Nothing in my typical field as I don’t want a conflict of interest to build, nor do I want a job that I think about after leaving it at the end of my work day. I want something I show up, they tell me what needs to be done, I do it, and go home to focus more on my new company. There are a few things coming up that I think will do wonders to get the word out and start building up a client base, but as I said, all these things take time.

I have discovered over the last 5-6 weeks that things don’t always happen as you would hope (I knew this fact, but it’s been REALLY reinforced). I’ve had people let me down (personally and professionally) and I have let people down. I don’t like telling people I will do one thing, and then not being able to meet that goal. I have always done everything in my power to give the most of what I can, but sometimes you just over commit yourself, financially, physically, and emotionally. Work I had planned on being a strong backbone of my getting started out here didn’t turn out as was originally expressed to me (and it could have been I didn’t ask the right questions before making my expectations) but the bottom line is some income that I was anticipating did not pan out as hoped. It has made me have to rethink a lot of things, and change directions somewhat. I’ve always been the eternal optimist, and I remain to be the same way, but that optimism has taken a bit of a beating lately. I WILL make things work, I just can say for sure what kind of timeframe that will be. That is unacceptable in some aspects, and so those are the points of this whole endeavor that are foremost on my mind. But I can’t focus on them at the sacrifice of the “big picture”, so I am doing my best to balance them all out and just wait for everything to start falling into place just like I know it will.

On a more personal level, I did start this whole thing with a slightly different mindset of where my personal life was heading. Since then, it has also been turned on it’s ear, and I have had to rethink who and what are important to me. That’s probably not the best of phrases and I don’t want anyone reading anything more into it. All I mean to say is that people I tried to have a slightly lower importance in my head have become so much more to me in a personal sense. Having the ability to talk to someone about whatever is on my mind and be given some straight talk back has been invaluable these past months and is probably my biggest regret of moving out of California. I also know, however, that had I not moved, I am not completely sure things would be as they are now. I don’t know what that all means, and where it might lead, all I do know is the people that are around me right now, giving me support and love, mean the world to me and any one of them could ask anything of me and if it is at all in my power to give it to them I would. I owe so much to so many people right now for allowing me to take this chance and be there for me as I struggle through the things that perplex me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly repay them, but I’ll do my best to make sure they know for the rest of my life how much I value their friendship and support while I try to figure out exactly what it is I need from life.

I have a big day coming up this week. I am not anywhere near where I had hoped I would be by this milestone in my life. But it’s been one heck of a ride, and I’m just waiting to see where it all ends up. I don’t even know WHEN I’ll have the slightest clue as to how it will turn out, but it’s been fun, and I still wake up every morning anticipating that “this could be the day it all falls into place”. Stick around, I’ll let everyone know when that day comes, and you thought we were having fun NOW? Just wait…

Gerg