The Gergorian Rant

It’s been quite awhile since my last post, I’ve had things I wanted to say, but just never really sat down to put them out there. This will be a bit of a hodge podge of different thoughts that have been drifting through my head these past few weeks. Not sure it will make much sense to anyone, but then again, I don’t think I ever started to write this blog for anyone BUT me in the first place. That’s not to say I don’t mind people reading it (I actually welcome it to tell you the truth) but the bottom line is this is MY place to put down some thoughts so I can come back to them in the future and remember where I was (in my head) at different points in my life.

It’s been about two months now since “the move” and for the most part I am not regretting it at all. I have to say that it might have been better planned out, but then again, if I had waited to plan it out I probably never would have done it, and I think I needed it as a bit of a “cleansing” for me. Things haven’t taken off quite like I had hoped, but then again, no new venture just hits the ground at full speed. I am beginning to see the fruits of my labors and it does give me hope, but I have a long hill to still climb. One factor I hadn’t thought out properly was obtaining a place of my own without a “real” job. No one will rent to someone just starting a business, so the past few weeks has been spent in search of “work”. Nothing in my typical field as I don’t want a conflict of interest to build, nor do I want a job that I think about after leaving it at the end of my work day. I want something I show up, they tell me what needs to be done, I do it, and go home to focus more on my new company. There are a few things coming up that I think will do wonders to get the word out and start building up a client base, but as I said, all these things take time.

I have discovered over the last 5-6 weeks that things don’t always happen as you would hope (I knew this fact, but it’s been REALLY reinforced). I’ve had people let me down (personally and professionally) and I have let people down. I don’t like telling people I will do one thing, and then not being able to meet that goal. I have always done everything in my power to give the most of what I can, but sometimes you just over commit yourself, financially, physically, and emotionally. Work I had planned on being a strong backbone of my getting started out here didn’t turn out as was originally expressed to me (and it could have been I didn’t ask the right questions before making my expectations) but the bottom line is some income that I was anticipating did not pan out as hoped. It has made me have to rethink a lot of things, and change directions somewhat. I’ve always been the eternal optimist, and I remain to be the same way, but that optimism has taken a bit of a beating lately. I WILL make things work, I just can say for sure what kind of timeframe that will be. That is unacceptable in some aspects, and so those are the points of this whole endeavor that are foremost on my mind. But I can’t focus on them at the sacrifice of the “big picture”, so I am doing my best to balance them all out and just wait for everything to start falling into place just like I know it will.

On a more personal level, I did start this whole thing with a slightly different mindset of where my personal life was heading. Since then, it has also been turned on it’s ear, and I have had to rethink who and what are important to me. That’s probably not the best of phrases and I don’t want anyone reading anything more into it. All I mean to say is that people I tried to have a slightly lower importance in my head have become so much more to me in a personal sense. Having the ability to talk to someone about whatever is on my mind and be given some straight talk back has been invaluable these past months and is probably my biggest regret of moving out of California. I also know, however, that had I not moved, I am not completely sure things would be as they are now. I don’t know what that all means, and where it might lead, all I do know is the people that are around me right now, giving me support and love, mean the world to me and any one of them could ask anything of me and if it is at all in my power to give it to them I would. I owe so much to so many people right now for allowing me to take this chance and be there for me as I struggle through the things that perplex me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly repay them, but I’ll do my best to make sure they know for the rest of my life how much I value their friendship and support while I try to figure out exactly what it is I need from life.

I have a big day coming up this week. I am not anywhere near where I had hoped I would be by this milestone in my life. But it’s been one heck of a ride, and I’m just waiting to see where it all ends up. I don’t even know WHEN I’ll have the slightest clue as to how it will turn out, but it’s been fun, and I still wake up every morning anticipating that “this could be the day it all falls into place”. Stick around, I’ll let everyone know when that day comes, and you thought we were having fun NOW? Just wait…

Gerg

Well, the car is packed and I’m ready to head back to California. This has been a very productive week (not on the work front unfortunately so I’ll have plenty to do this coming week) but the kids are all setup in school, Josh and Billy have already started. I have a local phone number and mailing address established, some potential work starting to line up, start of the business documents filed, and other miscellaneous tasks completed. That was a long sentence, but then again, this was a long week.

Didn’t really start the trip quite as I had hoped, but looking back on it now, I’m happy with where things are at the moment and am very excited for what the future could hold. One always has some items they wished they had handled differently, but now I think things are just where they need to be for now to ensure the long term contentment and happiness that I have been searching for. I’m overall pretty awesome (and humble), and as long as I keep being me, then things will have a way of working out exactly as they should (whatever that might be).

With each passing day out here I am more and more thankful to Lisa for the opportunity she is providing me to pursue my dreams. It is going to have quite an impact on her life while the boys and I work on getting our own place, but I know she does it without a single bit of regret and nothing I do could quite convey my gratitude to her for it. I’m not always the easiest person to be around (but then again who is) and when things really start to build on my I do tend to turn more inwards and contemplate what it all means. That doesn’t mean I am depressed, or sulking, or any of the other handful of titles that are generally used to describe moments like that. It simply is me, regrounding myself, and figuring out where I need to focus my energies to continue my trek forward.

Her kids are also really starting to find their way into the deepest parts of my heart that I generally keep fairly reserved. We all seem to think our own kids are absolute terrors, while others around us see the good in them. With her kids around lately it has helped me to look more objectively at my kids and what they are doing and try to understand it for what it is without my preconceived notions about what they might be “up to”. I know this whole arrangement can’t be the easiest on them, but as kids tend to do, they just roll with it and come up smiling on the other side (and that smile is contagious no matter how much turmoil is going on internally for me).

Brent flies home tomorrow (been WAY too long for him to be gone, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but having Lisa’s kids around helped that a bit, especially Zach who reminds me so much of Brent). With the similarities they have, Brent and Zach are either going to be great friends, or bitter enemies. Either way, it’s going to be something to see! I can’t wait to get back out here with Brent and let all the kids start hanging out. I am especially looking forward to having Brent and Lisa finally meet. Since Brent is such a natural flirt (not sure where he gets it) and Lisa being so open and loving to all the kids, I just know it’s going to be a good experience.

OK, I’m kind of rambling and need to hit the road, got quite a drive ahead of me. I just want to make sure that everyone knows how much I appreciate them and the sacrifices they are making. From my friends back in California who are encouraging me to chase my dream, to Lisa and her kids giving us the opportunity to take that chance. I love all of you and will always appreciate your contribution to all of this.

Gerg