The Gergorian Rant

I am going to take another small departure today from writing about what’s going on now and share some things I have written in the past. During the packing for my move to Arizona I have come across a folder of my old “mementos” with snippets of writing I did many many many many years ago. As I read over some of it I realized that while the writing wasn’t always the best, the point I was trying to make I think is still worth sharing. I hope you enjoy these, I’ll post the ones I feel like (and keep some of them to myself for now). I may take some pictures of the original writings and add them to these posts later as well.

This was written on a napkin, while sitting in the dining room of Carl’s Jr. #724 in Cathedral City, California (where I was working as a shift supervisor at the time). The date on the napkin says 12/10/89 so it was shortly before Amanda was born (though at the time I obviously had no idea the impact she would make on my life since it was almost a year prior to her mother and I getting together). I had just turned 20 a few months before, and was still trying to figure out where my life was going (man were those simpler times!). Again, I’ll apologize for the writing (a bit), it’s not perfect, but considering where I was in life, I don’t think it was TOO bad. I am going to put them here, verbatim as I wrote them in the past with grammar errors and all.

There comes a time in every man’s life
When childhood dreams and adult realities
Are realized for what they are
And not for what they might have been
It is here the boy becomes a man
Here at the crossroads of life
Where new dreams are thought of
Dreams of an adult life, far wiser dreams
And whether those dreams become reality
Or fade into the nothingness where old dreams go
Depend upon ourselves
We control our own destinies
And whether those destinies are our dreams
Or our failures
Depends upon how we look at ourselves
As dreamers of a better life
Or failures of a bitter world
So dream all you want
And turn that dream into reality
For the more you believe in yourself
The more dreams become reality

At the bottom of the napkin are my initials – GWH and date 12/10/89
In a box I made in the bottom right corner was: Cat City Carl’s 724)

Gerg

This post is going to be a slight detour from my experiences of moving to another state and be a bit more personal. I debated making this a private post to turn out to the public later, but have decided to instead make it public (for the most part). If anyone is bothered by anything I say in here that wasn’t my intention, nor was it to make anyone feel (worse/different). Rather, it’s just a little glimpse into the past year of my life being single.

As I approach the anniversary of Trish and I splitting (I know, hard to believe but in about a week it will be a full year) I can’t help but reflect on the women I’ve dated in that time. There have been 4 women that I dated with any sort of seriousness over the past year, and each of them were similar, but also vastly different. They each taught me a little bit more about myself and the person I would like to eventually spend the rest of my life with, and I am thankful to every one of them and wish them all the best. I am not going to discuss WHY we are no longer dating necessarily, but just give a little insight as to what each of them meant to me.

Some thought I started dating awfully early after my split, but anyone close knew that it was something that had been building for a long time, and just getting out without and enjoying life was a great relief. I met Dawn about a month after Trish and I split, and we had some of that instant chemistry. We quickly became great friends and did some crazy things just to get a few moments together. Dawn was carefree, with just enough of the wild streak to keep things interesting. The best thing she ever did for me though was my birthday. We had only known each other a few weeks, and I was thinking it was going to be a pretty quiet birthday to just get past. She and her daughters made sure that wasn’t the case. She told me to be ready for her call, and to drive to a place she would then tell me about. I followed her directions (in my typical fashion and almost getting lost), and found myself in a small park later in the day. There was noone else around and she had candles setup on one of the picnic tables, and had made me one of my favorite dishes (stuffed peppers). With a blanket spread out on the grass for us to sit and eat we had a couple glasses of wine, her daughter had made me a cake, and Dawn surprised me with a giant stuffed monkey (OK, you HAVE to know I like monkeys if you’ve spent any time with me at all!). Anyway, we sat on the blanket for hours that night, just talking and being with each other. It was one of the best nights I can remember and will always be a very special birthday to me. Dawn and I still find each other online from time to time and chat for a bit, but as time goes on that happens less and less frequently, but she still has a special place in my heart as someone who showed me that it was OK to be happy even after a split up.

I met Alicia around Thanksgiving of 2008 (in fact I think it was the Wednesday BEFORE Thanksgiving that year that we went out for the first time). Alicia was different from Dawn, both were strong and independent (something I have discovered I find really attractive in a woman) and both had that natural beauty that allows them to look great even when they just throw something on to head out the door, but Alicia had a bit more no-nonsense attitude about her. She’d tell you exactly what was on her mind, and not only that, she’d tell you WHY she thought that way, or why I might have said or done something. Falling into a very comfortable and familiar rhythm with her I did all those little things that generally make relationships thrive. Showing up at her house one evening with some ice-cream because talking to her on the phone I realized she’d had a horrible day. I drove out to her work for lunch (Hemet to San Dimas isn’t a short drive) and taking her a sub from her favorite sandwich place, even though I knew I’d be lucky to get 15 minutes or so of her time. Alicia is just a person I feel so fortunate to know and thankful that we get along as well as we do. There are so many “inside jokes” between us and our talks are always fun and enlightening. Alicia is now the person I can most easily turn to when I need someone to talk to. I have some people ask if Alicia and I might ever date again after they listen me talk about her. I can’t answer that question with any certainty. I know I wouldn’t mind at all if we started seeing each other again on that level. The only thing I can say with certainty is I will do whatever I can to make sure she remains a part of my life as you can never have enough people THAT close to you. Her and I both know we can contact the other at any given time, vent our frustrations, and be told the simple and honest truth about the situation. Neither of us will pull any punches and tells each other exactly as it is from our viewpoint. Her input is something I cherish and she seems to be the first person I find myself turning to as I travel down some of these new roads.

Stephanie and I met awhile after Alicia and I stopped dating. Something about her made me respond to her personal ad (yes I found her through online dating as I did most of the women I dated since I don’t get “out of my normal locations” often). She is beautiful, but wasn’t my “typical” dating type. To be honest, if I had just seen her in public I probably would have noticed her, but maybe not thought to try to meet her. But reading through her profile she sounded like just the type of person I was interested in, so I emailed her. She responded back and we started texting and chatting online. Her schedule was as hectic as mine, so our first date consisted of her bringing her daughters over and I made dinner. We got to talk a bit with the kids running around and I just got to like more and more of what I saw. She has her strong will and a very decisive mind of what is right and wrong. I wouldn’t want to change her mind about anything (and doubt that I could) but again, we had a sort of chemistry that just clicked. Even after we stopped dating we still got together a few times a month to grab a bite to eat and catch a movie. Spending time with her was always fun and I really am grateful for having got to know her. Recent decisions I made have alienated us, but I do hope that someday we can put that behind us and become friends again.

The last person I won’t mention by name. In fact, the more I think about it, I believe I am going to have to make this last part of the post private (at least for now). If I ever do make it public it will be obvious why I made this choice, but let me just wrap this up by saying each of these women taught me something different about myself and about the person I am looking for. They are all great people, and I hope they each find whatever it is they seek to make them happy in life. They each deserve to find a partner that will make them feel special every day they are together. I have love for every one of them, and hope they each know, that they can call on me anytime they need anything and I’ll be willing to help out in whatever way I can. Without having known them, this past year would have been quite a bit more boring, and definitely not so educational. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourselves with me.

I love all of you,

Gerg

Well, the car is packed and I’m ready to head back to California. This has been a very productive week (not on the work front unfortunately so I’ll have plenty to do this coming week) but the kids are all setup in school, Josh and Billy have already started. I have a local phone number and mailing address established, some potential work starting to line up, start of the business documents filed, and other miscellaneous tasks completed. That was a long sentence, but then again, this was a long week.

Didn’t really start the trip quite as I had hoped, but looking back on it now, I’m happy with where things are at the moment and am very excited for what the future could hold. One always has some items they wished they had handled differently, but now I think things are just where they need to be for now to ensure the long term contentment and happiness that I have been searching for. I’m overall pretty awesome (and humble), and as long as I keep being me, then things will have a way of working out exactly as they should (whatever that might be).

With each passing day out here I am more and more thankful to Lisa for the opportunity she is providing me to pursue my dreams. It is going to have quite an impact on her life while the boys and I work on getting our own place, but I know she does it without a single bit of regret and nothing I do could quite convey my gratitude to her for it. I’m not always the easiest person to be around (but then again who is) and when things really start to build on my I do tend to turn more inwards and contemplate what it all means. That doesn’t mean I am depressed, or sulking, or any of the other handful of titles that are generally used to describe moments like that. It simply is me, regrounding myself, and figuring out where I need to focus my energies to continue my trek forward.

Her kids are also really starting to find their way into the deepest parts of my heart that I generally keep fairly reserved. We all seem to think our own kids are absolute terrors, while others around us see the good in them. With her kids around lately it has helped me to look more objectively at my kids and what they are doing and try to understand it for what it is without my preconceived notions about what they might be “up to”. I know this whole arrangement can’t be the easiest on them, but as kids tend to do, they just roll with it and come up smiling on the other side (and that smile is contagious no matter how much turmoil is going on internally for me).

Brent flies home tomorrow (been WAY too long for him to be gone, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but having Lisa’s kids around helped that a bit, especially Zach who reminds me so much of Brent). With the similarities they have, Brent and Zach are either going to be great friends, or bitter enemies. Either way, it’s going to be something to see! I can’t wait to get back out here with Brent and let all the kids start hanging out. I am especially looking forward to having Brent and Lisa finally meet. Since Brent is such a natural flirt (not sure where he gets it) and Lisa being so open and loving to all the kids, I just know it’s going to be a good experience.

OK, I’m kind of rambling and need to hit the road, got quite a drive ahead of me. I just want to make sure that everyone knows how much I appreciate them and the sacrifices they are making. From my friends back in California who are encouraging me to chase my dream, to Lisa and her kids giving us the opportunity to take that chance. I love all of you and will always appreciate your contribution to all of this.

Gerg