The Gergorian Rant

I’ve just returned home from one of the hardest weekends of my life. I’ve written several lines here and end up scrolling back, thinking those aren’t the right words, but I’m not sure in this situation there ARE right words. All I can say is I hope to never have to help another of my friends bury one of their children. I’ll of course be right by their side, but no one should have to go through that ordeal. I was glad I could be there for Jim, Vanessa, and the boys, even though I was far from a rock for them to lean on throughout the weekend, I sit here weeping still at their tremendous loss.

The logical part of my brain tells me that they need to be alone to learn how to work through their loss, but the rest of me screams knowing I won’t be able to get right over there for when they need someone at their side. Whether it be to yell at me and release some anger, cry with me to release some pain, or laugh with me to relive the good times. I found myself on the trip home getting angry at the stupidest of things. Yelling at drivers on the road, getting snippy inside the vehicle, it seemed everything just set me off in one way or another. I did my best to occupy myself with random things so my mind wouldn’t wander to the fact that I’ll never again be challenged by Robert to some Star Wars trivia (he was on of the few who usually slapped me around like I had never seen the movies when it came to the trivia), or laugh at his antics as we all sit around having fun, and worst of all, my kids won’t be able to hang out with him, each of them helping the other as they progress down their own paths.

It’s now almost 3AM, and I sat down in front of the computer, going back to check Robert’s Memorial Site (robertearlweaver.com) and Facebook page, and from there I wandered across to Rachel’s Facebook page. Two young lives, they both touched so many other lives in their short time and their memories will live forever in so many people. Either one of them could walk into any room, and within moments, even the grumpiest of people couldn’t keep themselves from smiling. The emotional swing of recalling some little quirk or trait they had, or recalling some memory I hold of them bringing a smile to my face, then reality smacking me back to the fact I won’t be able to add any new memories to those pools adding tears to the smile. My heart breaks for their families and other loved ones, I know I am far from the only one that is having so much difficulty accepting the reality of all this. Both of them were much shorter lives than they should have been, but in their brief stay with us they were both able to touch far more people’s hearts than some who live four times longer.

Robert Earl Weaver and Rachel Culp, I know you are both hanging out again and sharing your own laughs. The one comfort I can take is knowing that at least you two are together again and waiting for the rest of us to join you in our own time. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of new antics to make us all laugh again when we next see you. I considered both of you as a part of my extended family and miss you terribly. RIP, I love both of you.

To my friends and family around me, I’m sorry if my temper seems short, or I seem to snap for no apparent reason. I am still trying to process this all in my head and fail horribly at times. I love all of you.

Gerg

The other day I was working and was asked to go along with another driver to assist with a setup. I followed him to the location and upon arriving spent 5 minutes waiting while he took a personal phone call. While waiting I sent out a twitter posting about it being rude waiting for the person who asked for you to help with one of their jobs to finish a personal phone call. I now know that it was his son calling him to wish him happy birthday. So for that one particular incident it was “my bad” and the call could be excused. To a point that is. In my opinion, what should have happened is upon arriving he could take a quick moment to tell me that he needs to finish the call, but here is the paperwork and information so I can start on the setup job. This wasn’t the first time I felt my time (and my employers for that matter) was being wasted, otherwise I wouldn’t have thought much about it (like I haven’t in the past situations). It’s become too much of a common event and I had to vent my frustration in some form. I can’t stand sitting around for a bit during my work day and then having to hustle like crazy at the end of the day to either get off on time, or to try to not work too much past my normal end of day.

I’ve stated before, and I’ll stand by my statement, that I don’t mind working hard in the least. But working illogically is one of the biggest things that bugs me. When I show up to work it is so that I CAN work. Seeing things operate inefficiently annoys me to no end, but being the “new guy” gets you left in the dark as to what might be going on for the day as the people who have been there for a long time keep that info to themselves until they feel you need to know it (and then only disclose to you what they feel you need to know).

So everyone needs to be proactive in doing their best to get as much work done in as little time as possible. Be a part of the solution, not a wrench in the works causing the problem. If everyone keeps their mind open to “what can I do now that could make my day go smoother” then everyone that’s involved will have a simpler day. Don’t put things off until later to “see what else might come up”, instead look at what is on your list right now and try to accomplish as much of it as possible as quickly as possible. Then if time permits later in the day you can do some of the “filler” work that every job has to fill out the rest of your day IF YOU NEED TO. This would minimize the times that you have to hustle so hard at the end of the day just to get that days tasks completed.

OK, that’s enough for my soapbox today. I’m sorry to anyone who was offended by my posting, it wasn’t meant as a slander, but as a frustration vent and to make everyone think about whether they are being as productive as they can be at any given moment of their day. It is by bringing topics like this to light that makes people think about their own actions.

Gerg

I went to bed a little after 3 and actually fell asleep quite quickly. Probably because I had the feeling that I had vented adequately and was much more relaxed. That’s the main purpose of a lot of my posts is to just give myself a place to put things down ‘for the record’ to come back to later and be reminded not only of where I was in life, but more importantly how I was thinking about life. Little did I know that upon awakening this morning I would have so many comments back to my last posting (albeit on my Facebook profile). I considered removing the post before more people started having the same thoughts that I was feeling lost, but decided instead to just reply. I started to reply to some of the comments right on Facebook, but being long winded when it comes to this stuff, decided it might be better here (with a notice on FB for anyone to look here for my updates).

My cousin Ron, thanks for the comment about the boys, and I know I have seen you in years (or most of my cousins/family for that matter). I’m a bad cousin but if I can get things moving in a more positive financial direction I really hope to be able to make it out there for the Jurec reunion this year and get by to see a lot of you. I’ll do my best to let everyone know that I am coming so we can make some sort of plans to at least get together for a bit. But back to my replies now. I wasn’t aware I was coming across as being hard on myself, but I guess to a point I am. Though to be honest I don’t think I will change that, as sometimes we are our own best critics. Every day I get a better idea of who/where I want to be in life and do my best to push myself in that direction. I’ve made mistakes as both a husband and a father but hopefully those around me realized that I learned from every one of them (and let’s be fair, we ALL make our share of mistakes). The person I am today is because of those mistakes and I know now, better than ever, that no one else is responsible for my happiness. When I wake up each morning it’s up to me to decide to have a good day or a bad, I try to always choose good, but sometimes we have our moments.

I guess some of that post was a reflection back on some of the women I’ve dated over the past couple years. I’ve been told by some (and come to conclude with a few of the others) that they were waiting for the ‘real’ me to emerge. I’ve been told by a few of them that I was the ‘perfect guy’, attentive, thoughtful, caring, and generous, but they just weren’t ‘feeling’ it (damn I use quotes a lot, if we were talking in person I’d probably be getting finger cramps from doing the air quotes motion so much). Then the other day I was texting with one of them and she commented sort of indirectly about how she was waiting to find out about the true me. And it made me sit back and think a bit about how many guys out there have just screwed up a good majority of these women because they wanted the immediate happiness rather than building to something long term. Most of them can’t believe there are any guys still out there that are actually looking for that special link that makes doing even the most mundane of things an event to look forward to. When I am around some of my closest friends I don’t mind at all doing the grocery shopping, or laundry, or a majority of those things because together we have so much more fun and the task itself loses it’s feeling of being a chore, and instead becomes a chance to spend more time with friends.

OK, I was off on a bit of a rant but hope I came across at least with a little bit of clarity. So now Cindy… you are starting off on a path that is both a bit frightening and exciting all at the same time. Your opportunities are wide open, and it looks like you are doing everything you can to make sure you take advantage of every single one of them. My biggest thought there (at least as it comes across on FB) is how well you guys are handling your divorce. Keeping it civil is good for the kids, but also for you guys as well (one of my older blog posts I actually talk a bit about that). And looking forward to what you can work towards (not to say you couldn’t have before this, but sometimes we all need that little push to get the ball rolling) makes the days so worthwhile. I am loving your little comments about what some would consider the most mundane of things in life. From loving your bed, to excitement over sea monkeys, I think the more we start to appreciate those parts of our lives, then the richer the rest of our life becomes. That then leads to us not feeling that the harder times are so unbearable because we have something to look back on and realize how fortunate we are each day. I’m excited for you and can’t wait to see what else lights up each of your days. Keep posting those little snippets, then when you are having a bad day, be a bit self-centered and go back to review your profile. Having some of this stuff posted ‘for all eternity (or until they turn off the internet)’ can be one of the best ways to give yourself a little boost in those trying times.

And finally, Sharon. Keep swinging at the curve balls. The place you are in now personally I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but you still bring light to the room when you come in. I’ve enjoyed our chances to get together to hang out and chat and look forward to many more of them. Keep your head up and know that as long as you continue to be true to yourself, and persevere, the ends will justify the means. No matter how everything works out eventually, I know you’ll come out the other side a better/stronger person for it. Just because I may not post a message doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you. Anytime you (or anyone else for that matter) would like to get together I’m simply a phone call away (or whatever method you have to get ahold of me).

So that brings us to the wrap up. Another message I woke up to this morning was from a person whom I’ve talked a bit with online, and we’ve attempted to actually meet in person, but our schedules have prevented it. She basically said thanks, but she had taken some time to herself and wanted to  let me know that she decided she didn’t want to meet after all. That was a bit of the point I was making in my last post, that I prefer the honesty over dragging things out. And while I’m a bit disappointed that we won’t be meeting after all, I appreciate her saying so now. After all, it’s her loss, I’m a heck of a good guy (read earlier in this post if you need clarification there (-;  At the same time I can’t help but be just a bit intrigued by the timing of her cancelling our chance to meet right after that post. I truly hope it is because she does need to ‘find herself’ and wish her and everyone the best of luck in finding true happiness in life. Here’s my little tip in closing… true happiness can be found inside of yourself. Be happy with who you are and the rest of life becomes a piece of cake.

Gerg